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Her Journey: Embracing Her Asexual Nature

Sarah, 37: “I’ve never enjoyed sex. Growing up, I thought defective because society praised it highly.”

The sole issue that Cameron and I have clashed over is our sex life. Upon getting together almost a decade back, physical intimacy was definitely something he desired more often than I did. Around half a year of seeing each other, we decided to try an open arrangement so that Cameron could pursue partners who are more sexual than me.

At first, there were pangs of envy in the beginning, but our connection was reinforced because our strong communication, and I came to feel really secure in our love. It’s been a huge blessing for both of us, because I have never craved sex. As a teen, I felt incomplete since others emphasized its importance, but I never fully grasped the appeal about it.

When I stumbled across a book about asexuality through a post in 2021, it was like looking in a mirror. I felt surprised, since back then I identified as a someone with desire – I find solo sex satisfying, and I engaged in a fair amount of sex when I was younger. But I feel I participated in a lot of that sex because I experienced shame – a hangover of being a teenager in a culture that teaches us it’s necessary to satisfy your partner.

This information taught me was that the asexual identity is a diverse continuum. For example, I don’t have libido, regarding those who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I appreciate their beauty, but I don’t want to engage sexually with them. But I appreciate having orgasms. In my view, it’s pleasurable and it provides relief – a way to settle everything on my mind in my head.

This was very freeing to reveal to Cameron that I am asexual. He understands. We sometimes engage in intimacy, because I sense deep connection as well as emotional unity at that time, and I am choosing intentionally when I desire to be close to him through that act. It’s not that I have a physical urge, but there exist different motivations to engage sexually, for example seeking connection. I observe his satisfaction, and that gives me pleasure. Likewise that someone who is not asexual can opt to be celibate, I can opt to be physical for other reasons than feeling arousal.

Cameron's Experience: Love Beyond Physical Intimacy

Cameron, 36: Simply because intimacy isn’t a priority is not a sign that romance isn’t.”

Sex was once super important to me. It was the source from which I gained much of my self-worth. I had been unwell and in the hospital often during my teens, so intimacy turned into a practice that I thought provided empowerment over my body. That started to transform upon getting to know Sarah, since sex was no longer the top priority for us.

With Sarah, I discovered greater worth in other parts of my identity, and it reduced the importance of sex. I don’t want to engage sexually outside our relationship currently. Should I have like having sex, there are different approaches to address it. Self-pleasure is one, but it can also be a long walk, thinking about what’s on my mind or creative expression.

Upon her discovery of this part of herself, I came to see that connection is focused on bonding. This can occur via physical intimacy, but additionally via other methods that are equally worthy and fulfilling. I had a specific idea of what asexuality was – if sex was absent, you never feel arousal. But it exists on a continuum, and it needs exploration to determine your place on it.

We’ve been together for several years, and simply because intimacy isn’t central does not imply that romance isn’t. Setting aside dedicated moments for that is crucial for us. At times we buy creative projects and build them a little bit each day, which is very connecting. Alternatively we plan an evening out and go out for a special beverage and dinner. We embrace and make plans for the future, which is an act of love. I feel great joy from sharing food, and I feel very content like an post-intimacy feeling.

Her identity has enlarged the concept of what our relationship means. It’s like constraining the resources at your disposal to work with – you must think innovatively using available means. It encourages you to consider in different ways. But it did not lessen the affection that I feel for Sarah whatsoever.