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I am celebrating three months of being sober and looking for advice on helping my eleven-year-old autistic son. With rehabilitation and support groups, I've reached this milestone, though my alcohol use escalated during the past two years. Before that, I was alcohol-free for the initial six years of his life.

The Impact of Previous Challenges

Towards the end, my alcohol consumption was constant, and my son saw me out of control and deeply unhappy. He took on a feeling of duty, believing he was the only one who could stop me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I am utterly ashamed about this. I've often explained to him that I alone can manage my behavior.

He stayed with his father for several months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is helpful of my recovery. He returned back in with me when he started high school in September. Confidence between us is slowly growing as he observes that I am not drinking and putting all my energy into getting better.

Current Challenges and Feelings

My son remains hyper-vigilant and worried about my well-being. As a result, he is very restrictive of my actions—partly due to anxiety about my past habits, but also because he is autistic and uneasy about anything unpredictable. I'm focusing on self-assurance and boundaries; it's tempting to yield to his demands, but that doesn't feel right as a caregiver. It's challenging as I also feel enormously guilty.

I referred to Children’s Services while in rehab, and we are waiting for help for my son from nearby addiction services. Meanwhile, I feel quite uncertain about how to communicate with him. I aim not to cause him distress, but I also don't want to overlook the past. In what way do we progress?

Professional Advice on Healing

Children require a sense of safe, particularly after unpredictable times when they couldn't be sure if their parent could keep them safe. They might be concerned about raising these issues now. Children tend to believe things are their fault—blaming themselves instead of their guardians, as the other option feels overwhelming. Autism can exacerbate these emotions.

Individuals in the midst of addiction often make apologies they might not be able to keep. This makes it hard for loved ones to know what to believe.

It's not unusual for those in addiction to offer assurances they may not maintain. As a result, loved ones may struggle to hard to believe them. In addition to boundaries, it's very crucial to be consistent and demonstrate your son that situations have improved, rather than just telling him.

Practical Actions for Dialogue and Assistance

Concentrate on him settling in at his new school and create a good routine. Then, introduce the concept that any topic is off the discussion table—if that is indeed the case. Dinner times can be a suitable time to talk, as can parallel tasks like walking or traveling, since they require less direct gazing, which some people find too intense. Perhaps there's an hobby you and your son like sharing? Avoid thinking "we must talk," but look for opportunities for conversation and let them occur naturally. Also, think about your son's favored method of communication—it may not be speaking; it could be written, or a combination of both.

It is essential for him to know that his safe place apart from home might be with his dad. You should avoid feeling hurt if he chooses to go there at times. It doesn't mean you've done poorly—it's a process that isn't straightforward.

Distinguishing Your Needs from His Requirements

You need to distinguish your requirements from your son's. Ensure you're not comforting him to make yourself feel better—to absolve yourself—because you cannot do that through your son. You can better focus on what he requires if you have good support yourself.

You are making really well. Keep going.